A Word on Wiping…

Has this ever happened to you?

There you are, just enjoying your day, playing CoD and lurking on Facebook when suddenly…. you feel a pressure in your abdomen. A bloated feeling…   you start thinking about that one tire on your car that seems to be losing air, as a series of farts begin to slide out of your asshole like oily pillows…… You wonder, what is this? I just ate 30 mini-tacos, my tummy should be nothing but happy! But then, suddenly, you find yourself perched  on the toilet.

Plus you ate all of these, you fucking pig.

Shitting your fucking brains out. You can actually smell the tacos just as they were before you stuffed them in your maw; but now there’s an underlying rancid quality to the odor….like death… death between your cheeks.

So, as is usually the case, you push out the offending fecal matter (knowing you, you push so hard blood starts flowing, but we’ll save that for another time). The shit river has ebbed, and it’s time to clean up. What do you do?

You may want to consider flossing….

Naturally, you reach for the toilet paper, and begin the process of plowing the shit on your asshole up and down until it’s thin enough to dry out, thus making you believe your bunghole is clean and you are ready to step out and face the public.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Not bad…. depends on the paper quality.

Your asshole is dry, yes, but it still fucking reeks like an open septic tank. Don’t believe me? Then ask yourself why the neighborhood dogs race toward your sphincter every time you leave the house. Yeah, that’s what I thought, you pig.

Here’s the answer: wipe your grimy, fly-blown ass with a moist paper towel after every dump you unload. “Oh, that’s crazy, Porky!” you say… “”That’s just nuts, and besides, dry-wiping is just fine with me!”

I don’t think so, you fucking turdpump, and more importantly, neither do the people that are forced to be in close proximity to you every day. You fucking dirtbag.

It’s not that easy to clean shit off your face… but you all know that already……

So here’s my advice, free to you because I will be doing the entire world a favor here… wet-wipe your stinking, fetid balloon-knot after every rancid shit you take. It’s easy… after you wipe with toilet paper,  just lightly wet one half of a paper towel and scrub around your asshole, then sink a finger in and really get that shit cleaned up. Pump it in and out if you want to, hey, who’s watching?  Afterwards, when you are no longer hard as a rock, use the dry part of the paper towel to dab your knot dry. Feel free to punch your bag as hard as you can in celebration of this new-found knowledge.

There, was that so fucking hard?

Fucking pig.